Graveyard of Lost Dreams

Another day, another walk, and still I end up here. Every walk seems to bring me back to this same place. Back to the place where dreams were lost. Back to the reminder of plans that will never be realized. Each time I end up here, my mind wants to take me back through the events of that day. What could we have done differently? Could we have kept any of this from happening? Maybe it’s just my way of processing, but looking at this graveyard of lost dreams makes me feel everything and nothing all at the same time.

 About 4 years ago, my husband and I got wind of some acreage and rentals for sale from a close friend in rural Arkansas whose neighbor wanted to cut ties and travel the country with his daughter or something like that. He offered us a great deal, an interest free loan and the rentals would end up paying it all off. The acreage had a shell of a home, and a small rugged cabin that used to be a rental home. We fell in love with it all, and had a dream to remodel the unfinished home (my husband is pretty handy)stay in the cabin while we did, and eventually move there. The house was rough, but we saw potential for building something really unique. We had been traveling back and forth when we could for a week at a time to clear clutter and fix up the little cabin so it would be more comfortable for our family to stay in.  In January we decided to take a month away from work and our life at home to stay at our property and start building towards our dream. A week of tree and brush clearing, a week to repair an outer supporting wall, and a week to replace the roof. This would bring us much closer to the reality of living there someday. We were all pretty excited about it. Especially my husband.

 January 5, 2023 is a day I will never forget. It started out like a pretty normal day, maybe just a little bit lazier. I had just made Levi lunch, and he and 2 of our boys, along with my nephew left to clear some brush where we were working. I had slept in and missed my quiet time, so I planned to catch up on that, and join them afterward. As I was finishing up, the boys burst into our camper. I had half a mind to yell at them until I saw the tears and panic on their faces. They could barely put words together to tell me what had happened and were not able to get out whether or not their dad was ok, or where he was. I rushed out of the camper and started running up the road towards the work site where a huge fire was already blazing. I didn’t get far when my husband came driving up the road in his truck. He told me the brush pile he was burning had spread to the grass and quickly to the house. This was all surprising because the conditions seemed ideal for brush burning that day. We quickly got on the phone and dialed 911, but discovered it was an ordeal getting ahold of the right fire department in the middle of nowhere.

  Waiting for help to arrive felt like forever. I filled coolers with water while my sister and nephew carried them down the road and up the hill to the fire to try and keep it from spreading into the Ouachita National Forest, which borders our property. Finally, the fire department, along with their 5 water tankers from surrounding fire departments arrived. After some time, they got the fire under control, and cut in a fire line to prevent any spreading overnight. A lot was lost that day, but we gained a lot too. My nephew was a real rock for my boys, who seemed to develop a deeper appreciation for family, and Levi and I were able to support each other. I felt like I was able to be strong for him for once, and he was able to stop thinking about work for a little while, and really just be with the family. We were thankful for the support from my sister as well. Our family felt closer than ever that day. I guess when you experience a hardship, you realize that family is what matters the most of all.

  On a financial scale, our losses were not very big, but the heartbreak of changed plans and lost dreams was huge. We were so blessed that Levi only suffered a few minor burns and everyone else was unharmed. At first, Levi wanted to just go home, and forget about this work trip altogether. I wanted a new plan, and right now. We realized that neither of these choices were the way to go, so we took our time being with family, moving debris, and hauling some metal roofing to the local scrap yard. We were also able to clean up and evaluate what was left of the foundation. We learned that there were significant structural flaws that would have caused serious problems and financial strain down the road. Things we would not have realized had it not been for the fire. God knew.

 Even though we experienced a tragedy, I have managed to see God’s goodness shine through. He kept me strong when I needed to be for Levi. He prevented us from huge future financial loss. He has plans that are far beyond our understanding, and somehow, being tried by literal fire reminds me that I am not in control. When I see how much worse things could have been, it somehow makes the idea of surrender a little bit easier. So, as I sit in this graveyard of lost dreams, I thank God for what transpired here, and what didn’t. I look forward to His plan for our future, whatever that may be.. and whenever it may be.. and somehow, I feel ok.